I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
