I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
