She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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