i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
