mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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