i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
