Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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