after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
