broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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