i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
