based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
