Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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