He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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