my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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