so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize