You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
