4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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