Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
