i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
