I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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