Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
