he wants to bone in the snuggie
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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