Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Less talking, more tequila
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
