I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
