who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
