You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
