Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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