Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
