The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
