Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
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Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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