how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
