I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
