Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
