She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
