I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
