I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
