First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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