Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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