So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
