How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
