Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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