I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
