I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
