if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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