Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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