Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
