Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
