I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.