I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
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i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.