My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer