Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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