Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
