Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
