I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
