Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
