So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
