Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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