After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
